She said: "I didn’t expect to have no comfort. So many things happened. Good things. But the pain has been unrelenting. Karma of a bad cancer."
Clouds today. Clouds for the coming week. Clouds, ice, snow and cold for most of the past month.
Karma of a bad cancer?
Ceaseless, mounting pain. A body that persists in its needs and aliveness.
A will that resurfaces in denial of all illness - to order, control, direct.
Resurfaces strongly with a yell - My life, let it be, at least in these small tasks.
No.
Karma of a bad cancer?
A month later there are no periods of ease, before there were moments.
Now the oxygen machines hums persistent, your weak footsteps and narrow tubing define your boundaries.
And there is just pain, dulled by medications that give you waking dreams, daymares really, unpleasant in their vivid, urgent mystery.
Karma of a bad cancer?
I thought I understood karma, the consequences and implications, near and far;
the stone tossed by you, by others,
that hits the pool and ripples through this moment.
An outcome of Newton’s law applied to a broad definition of energy that works through time.
What we do affects ourselves and others; we reap what we sow ...eventually
Which is this, reaping or sowing?
Your actions led to this? Really? On what scale does that make sense?
Someone else’s actions? Then is she now sowing seeds of ease for a future life?
Karma of a bad cancer?
There it is.
The time when faith will out.
Right out.
Down the drain, into the mire.
I will not muddy this reality with faith.
There is no right, no reason, nothing beyond my ken.
Karma of a bad cancer.
Now I sit -
without hope.
with no purpose.
No candle.
It is within.
The flame rising with breath,
this breath, now.
I sit.
I do not sit in faith.
I sit in life.
